Just friends.... Impossible!

Tanner Rawle Martin...
Best friend,
amazing,
kind,
sweet,
always there,
soul mate,
talented,
smart,
respectful,
gentle,
gentleman,
trustworthy,
thinks of others,
cute,
stylish,
warm hearted,
funny,
closed book,
mysterious,
educated,
smooth,
responsible,
Mr scared of commitment,
hides a lot of things from most,
drinks,
good looking,
conservative,
smart ass,
witty,
intimidating,
protective,
caring,
spontaneous,
himself,
leader,
clean,
mama's boy,
strong minded,
guitarist,
ex swimmer,
loving,
crazy,
doesn't know what he wants,
sensitive,
puts up with a lot,
doesn't open up often,
into his looks,
music lover,
comforting,
roller coaster,
just lives,
listener,
talkative,
believer,
realist,
closet dreamer,
emotional,
social,
afraid of looking stupid,
relaxed
and my most favorite person in this whole wide world.

I have been threw so much with this boy it is ridiculous. Recently I have came out with my true feelings for him that I have been hiding for the past five years. I guess I hid them because of the fact that I am so scared to loose him. I dont' know what I would do if I knew that Tanner wouldn't be in my life anymore. I honestly wouldn't know who to turn to. He hates when I call him "best friend" even though he is my best friend he knows me better than any other guy in this world and know exactly what to say when I am upset. He is the one person I want to tell everything to no matter if it is good or bad or in between.He also puts up with me being crazy jealous of any girl in his life that I don't know. (when I say crazy I mean crazy.) NO guy has ever drove me to be this jealous of a girl that wants what I want, its honestly not fair.

He is for sure one of my soul mates in life. Right now things are not going as I would like them to go but its okay, I'm not worried. I need to stop guessing what is going to become between us and just live.
I love him with all of my heart and I always will love him. He stole my heart the moment that we kissed for the first time. To bad he has put me on an emotional roller coaster. And I don't know how to feel anymore.

What's meant to be will be.

Alright so right now I am more frustrated than ever. Reasons: Homework, Jobs, and boys (Tanner, Caleb,Miles, Mike, and you all know its coming James.) Alright so sense I use this space to pretty much complain and let everything out. I am frustrated with homework because I am a procrastinator. I think that explains it all. Jobs because putting in this damn resume is getting to hard. And boys well lets go in order. Tanner: I am mad at tanner because he's suppose to be the good guy the guy that I can always turn to and know he won't be acting like any other guy he's the best guy friend I got. But lately he has been acting like you "typical" guy. I need to not put the people I think deserve to be put to higher standers in my life to higher standers because right now I don't think that ever works. Caleb: I am frustrated with Caleb because he is on the other side of the world and has not wrote me back and I really need some missionary advice, I'm not going to lie it feels like they always know what to say. Miles: Well he just walked back into my life and is acting like he has all these feeling for me and likes me so much and it could be true but you never know with him. But for the first time in my life I don't return the feelings. Its odd, strange, and weird. Mike: I am just so frustrated that he doesn't live here!!! But than again I don't know how I can say that seeing that I have never met him in person. So it's hard for me to tell if I even like him because we have developed this great relationship over skype, texting, facebook, and phone calls. I'm extremely nervous for him to come up here in May!!! And finally James: James is doing this thing where he says he doesn't want to talk to me because he doesn't want to gain his feelings back for me cause he doesn't want a girlfriend and he doesn't want to ever get married. I'm so mad at him fro doing this to me he can't just always walk out of my life!! When we are together it's great, trusting, and fun I have never had a boyfriend like him. Of course he was my first love so that could have a huge factor on why my relationship with him is so great. It just sucks because I saw him the other night and it was great and we talked most everything out. And he wouldn't let me leave and he just wanted me to stay and than he didn't want to ever talk to me again after that night.... Shoot me shoot me now. I know that James and I are meant to be I just wish that he would see it and stop being so stubborn.

<--- Tanner






















Caleb---->






















<--- Miles























Mike ---->
























<---- James

well glad I use this as a way to complain about boys haha. Well lets just say I got used again I'll tell ya this one had been around the block a few times and he for sure knew what to say.. and guess what I was the stupid girl who fell for it.. I guess I should be used to this:/ I miss the days when guys used to court girls and it was all cute and everything was perfect. Okay I guess I can't really miss them but I wish I lived in those days. I really shouldn't be that sad over this guy I really don't even know him. But I am really more sad that I fell for all this. I honestly don't even know if I really like him cause I really didn't know him.. Oh well it's time to move on right we "dated" for 4ish weeks it's been about 4 days guess its time to be over it.
The part that sucks the most is that I took a chance on this guy and gave up the love of my life for him... James Hawkins 2010 in the love of my life and him and I will never end up being together because he is gone he died with our relationship. I miss him everyday and that guy never gets out of my head:/
Besides we all know that John Jenny's ego is |------------------| this big when is equipment is || this big (:
"The best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else"

Hello 2012!! Hahaha This year is going to be amazing I know so because of the fact that I ended 2011 with a bang and started 2012 with a even bigger bang! So much happen in 2011. I lost and gained a lot of friends and I know the friends who are in my life right now are amazing and are leading me in the direction I want to go(: Plus there is this new boy.. I am getting sick of saying that but hey I haven't founded what I want yet. And I did tell the ex that I was done with his games and deleted him out of my life for good.(Honestly that was one of the hardest thins I have ever done.)
Right now in my life family is the most important thing I have two amazing kids living with me and not going to lie they are the best birth control out there haha(: I know I am not ready to start a family of my own Im still not sure what I want in the man I choose to have children with. I have a main idea but Im still thinking. Im only 18! I don't need to know(: But I do know that every boy that I have had in my life weather they are family, friend, or love intrest they have made a big part of my life but mostly the boys who have been a love intrest I have learned from the two boys that were a big part of my life this year that there are signs you have to look for before getting to involed with them. James kinda started and ended my year with a bang. We broke up last year on new years and it was a rollar coaster ever sense than that is why I decided that it was time to be done and realize he isn't the one for me and it was very hard to come to reality with that. Bridger had a lot of bad signs and he is a really great guy but he is for sure not the one for me. He still needs to get his head on straight. I do like him as a person but not as a person I want in my life which is strange but hey thats me(: I did learn a lot from Bridger the main thing was that I needed to grow up and I did a lot. All together 2011 was a pretty great year(:

Okay on to 2012!! This year I want to top last year like no other(: I know it will because I have so many things I want for myself this year. But Im not going to write that down now because we got to get little Sophia to sleep(:

Why does everything I write on this thing in one way or another have to do with you... Maybe because when ever you make me feel a strong emotion the only way for me to get the emotions out is when I write it out. I really really hate you!! Just cause I wouldn't come over at 2 in the morning... arrrrgggg just die please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But don't.. I don't know if I could live with out you in the same world. But could you at least think about the actions you make? SO I can stop worrying about you!! GOD Im so sick of this shit!

I finally let go. I let go of him. I let go of his choices that kill me. I let go of the past. This time I didn't even shed one tear. This time it was me saying bye. This time it was me putting my foot down. This time I did what should have happened a very long time ago.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me.

As I am driving home after moving all of my sisters stuff out of her old home to move back into mine. I am thinking to my self is love real? Is it just hard to find? Is it worth it? See with me only being in love once I can honestly say it was worth it. But that person left my life tried to come back about a year later and he was so different and was not the person I fell in love with in the first place. So does that mean that I really wasn't in love or that I just love the person he was...?

In life it is hard to tell weather things are worth it or not.. for example I had this guy I was so loyal and I let him break my heart not only once but twice! Shame on me right? Oh and by the way the guy was playing me the whole time and I was to stupid to realize it. Shame on me again. Some guys have this charm and its so hard to see the truth (or in my case want to see the truth). I think that is my biggest problme I meet these guys and they turn on the charm and are all cute and nice at first and than they do something wrong, I get pissed tell them I am done, and than they say they are sorry in a cute way. Oh! wait there I am under that supid spell of theres. Shame on me once again! Isn't it three strikes and your out? Haha looks like I am out AGAIN!

"If love is real, than why is it so hard to find? Why is it so hard to find if its something thats real? If its worth it why do people settle for lust, or just give up? Why is it usually the people who are looking for it never find it? If you're looking why can't you find it? It something thats hard to find right? So shouldn't you be looking? Maybe its something you have to wait for? But is all the wait worth it? If you're just sitting around how can you find it without looking? Is it even real?"
-Sarah Marie Ashcraft